How to Forgive Yourself

 In last weeks blog I talked about Jesus forgiving someone seventy times seven, or four hundred and ninety times. I questioned Jesus on this and sided more with a Rabi who said we should forgive someone three times. Three times seems more healthy and realistic. 

But what about forgiving yourself? Do you forgive yourself four hundred and ninety times? As I said last week, after around the tenth time of self destructive behavior you might need to consider getting some help. 

However, I’ve learned over the years that most people find forgiving themselves much harder than forgiving someone else. There’s something about setting yourself free from the guilt and the pain of the past that is hard to do. 

I’m a clod at heart. I’ve made some serious blunders and mistakes in my life. I’ve hurt people’s feelings through the things I’ve done and not done. To free myself from the burden of the past I’ve had to learn how to forgive myself. It’s something I’d like to offer you today.

Forgiving yourself is a process. There are different stages, but it’s not like you do one thing, then another, then step three etc. No, forgiving yourself is like being in a washing machine where you get tumbled around, spun out, and then washed again. You engage the different steps repeatedly. 

Here’s what I learned about how to forgive myself.

One - Stop the negative behavior. Stop - just stop. It sounds obvious, but for some people they’re just blind to their negativity.  Shut up, put the bottle down, don’t go to the casino, don’t buy the drugs, stop the affair, what ever it is that is ruining your life and other people, stop it. If you don’t stop, forgiving yourself is going to become a poor excuse to continue in your destructive behavior. Sin, forgive yourself, continuing sinning. It’s a terrible and destructive cycle. 

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Two - Give up beating yourself over the back for what you did wrong. It’s called flagellation.  Beating yourself up metaphorically with a baseball bat or a whip gets you no where.You made some mistakes. Welcome to the human race. You might have to repeatedly stop your negative mental backseat driver from berating you. Put the bat and the whip down and shut up the voice. 

Three - Understand the circumstances. Ask yourself what was going on in your life to make you act the way that you acted? Do you have a history of addiction? What stresses were going on in your life at the time. What were you afraid of? What were your feelings and emotions? Be honest with yourself. 

Then we step into the traditions of the church. These steps are as old as two thousand years of learning how to forgive oneself. 

Four - Take a breath with this one - confess what you did was wrong. You have to do more than confess to God in prayer. Confessing to God is a good place to start, but to really get at the heart of forgiveness you have to confess to someone, primarily to the one you did wrong. You have to get down on your knees, humble yourself and lay it out. Don’t try to explain yourself or make excuses. Just lay it out there for someone to see. You might want to start by confessing to a Pastor, a Rabi, Priest or a therapist. I’ve had several people confess to me what they’ve done. I always encourage the person to now go and confess to the one they’ve harmed. There is something deeply powerful about confession. If you’re going to forgive yourself, you’re going to have to confess. 

Five - Contrition - Contrition means being humble. To forgive yourself from your depths you need to spend some time on your knees. Jesus talked a great deal about humility, as did the Apostle Paul. Forgiving yourself isn’t a snap thing you do. No, you need to get down, bow down - grovel even. While you’re down do some weeping for your wrongs. Spend some time thinking, contemplating, ruminating. Some might feels this is back to the flagellation. It’s not, it’s taking the time needed to be remorseful and learn from your mistakes. 

Six - Penance - The church is right on target with this one. You have to balance the scales of your wrong doing. I like to say for every one act of harm, it takes one hundred acts of kindness. You need to find something that will balance your scales of Justice. You might have to go to therapy, get into AA, or a treatment facility. You might need to volunteer for a nonprofit filling shelves at a food bank, clean dog kennels at a shelter, or working in a nursing home visiting the elderly. You can’t stay in a lofty place and do penance. You have to get dirty and enter into someone else’s pain. 

Seven - Absolution. Sweet absolution. It’s where you come to the place where you know that God has forgiven you. But really the most important person is yourself. You need to absolve yourself of your wrong doing. After tumbling around in the washing machine of forgiveness - confession, contrition, penance, going through the cycles over and over again, slowly, very slowly, you feel yourself healed. You realize you’re human, you make mistakes. You will make more mistakes. But you realize you’re a child of God and God loves you and claims you. You are slowly able to look in the mirror and smile. It’s standing in the sun, it’s taking a drink of fresh water, breathing in fresh air, you have forgiven yourself. 

Eight - Learn from your mistakes. Integrate the learning into who you are. Resolve to never engage in the negative behavior agin. Remember, forgive yourself three times, or you need help. If you can’t do this process on your own, then ask for help. I’ll help you. 

You can forgive yourself. It’s one of the greatest lessons we can learn. It’s a process we should teach our children, because invariably, they too will screw up. 

Remember, God has forgiven you. Now, go and forgive yourself.