Over the years people have asked me can I divorce my spouse and still be a Christian?
The answer is, “Of course you can, and of course you are a Christian.” But their question gets at a deeper issue and that’s Jesus’s teaching on divorce.
Jesus is very clear in his view of Divorce.
“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew 5:30-32
First notice Jesus is not completely against divorce, but he says if a woman remarries, she commit’s adultery. Luke’s Gospel has Jesus including the remarried man committing adultery as well. His teaching is so hard that most people disregard it completely and never consult their faith when they contemplate divorcing their spouse. One of my hopes is before people end their relationship, or save it for that matter, they would think about the spiritual dimensions of marriage and divorce
Let me parse out what I see Jesus and the Bible are trying to say.
We have to read between the lines and see where primarily Jesus is about healthy marriages where people are treated with mutual respect. When people come in to see me for marriage counseling, I share with them my bias, I’m pro marriage. I’ve been married for 43 years and will be until one of us dies. If you’re married I encourage you to work to make your marriage a healthy relationship where through your commitment to each other you are a model for how God is committed to us all.
Having said that, I’m also in favor of divorce where a relationship has become violent or abusive. If you’re in a marriage where there is abuse then I say leave, leave now, don’t hope that s/he will somehow stop beating you physically or otherwise. Abuse breaks the marriage covenant. Even God would tell you to leave now.
I believe it’s also good to leave a marriage when it’s become suffocating, where the soul has gone out of it, where you dread waking up beside the person you’re married to. I tell people marriage is not a prison sentence. Sometimes one of the most life-giving things you can do for both you and your spouse is to leave, break the relationship and begin your life anew.
Also having said that, when I meet with people who have divorced and remarried four and five times, I tell them they need to rethink marriage. Serial divorces and marriages are signs of the need for counseling and therapy. I’ve told people in the past to consider that marriage is not a good thing for them. They should stay single. Singleness is also a blessing in God’s eyes.
I also believe sometimes people are too hasty to file for divorce. I believe before a couple split, except for abuse, they should get into counseling. I usually ask a couple in their first session with me, “Do you want to save this marriage, if so, are you willing to pay the cost?” There’s always a cost associated with saving a marriage. You have to pay for therapy, a lot of it. You have to pay with time, effort, compromise, and life change.
Some people think divorce will be the easier option. Not always. I also tell people . . .
Marriage is hard
Divorce is hard
Choose your hard.
If you don’t think it’s hard to end a marriage, be reminded that divorces can cost up to 30k, if not more, as well as a tremendous amount of acrimony and hard feelings. Sometimes the easier option in terms of life energy is to work to save a marriage.
Some people ask me what if the spouse has done something horrendous in the marriage? Isn’t that grounds for divorce? I say not always. I’ve seen spouses forgive some amazing things, from infidelity, to embezzlement, to pathological lying. To forgive a spouse always requires counseling and hard work. Again, choose your hard.
While it’s hard, controversial, and full of spiritual work, I also know divorce can be life giving.
I’ll never forget when a woman I had counseled finally summoned the strength to leave her husband. When she moved into her new apartment she made a big sign that she put on her fridge. It said, “FREEDOM!” Every day when she second guessed her decision to leave, she looked at the poster and found the courage to reshape her life.
My beliefs also hold to LGBTQI marriages. Every marriage regardless of sexual preference is sacred and carries the same need for work and sacrifice. By the same token, if this marriage is not life giving or abusive, then divorce is the faithful option that should be explored.
Jesus’s teaching is not meant to be black and white. The notion that someone commits adultery if they remarry reflects ancient customs and doesn’t apply to our contemporary context. But it’s important to note that I believe Jesus is saying be reflective and think through your decision to end a marriage. Don't just jump to the conclusion to divorce your spouse - think, pray, get into counseling, talk with a spiritual guide.
And – I believe Jesus would say there are some marriages that need to come to an end. At times, the most faithful thing a christian can do is end a marriage. Divorce does not mean you are an unfaithful person, or less of a Christian. You are simply desiring an abundant life. Every person deserves this, married, single, LGBTQI, or divorced; every person deserves to sit at the table in the kingdom of God and be fulfilled.
Steve
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